


Plums by the Pound

by LittleMissOverlord



Series: Everything's Good and Only Hurts a Little (This is Clint's Building, but We All Live Here) [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes's Plums, Bucky's gaydar is Spot On, Clint and Sam is pre-slash, Discussions of sex, Established Relationship, M/M, another tiny oneshot, hydra is fucking up bucky's sex life and he is Bitter about it, rated teen for lost of swearing, steve and sam are only mentioned sorry, stucky is the established relationship, supposed straight crush, the author's terrible attempts at humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 19:19:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18923398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissOverlord/pseuds/LittleMissOverlord
Summary: Bucky claims there was a discount. Clint thinks he's just obsessed with plums. Also, Hydra brainwashing is stopping Bucky from getting laid, and Sam is apparently Not Straight. One of these things Clint wishes he didn't know.





	Plums by the Pound

**Author's Note:**

> This...is another tiny tiny one shot I threw together in very little time. This time I'm not even procrastinating some other writing, I just feel miserable and needed something to cheer me up. Don't take this seriously, please. Set in the same 'verse as Chili Burns, but some time before.

“So, Bucky, I’ve always wanted to ask: What’s the deal with all the plums?”

“What?”

“The _plums_.”

“What about them?”

“Why are you so obsessed with them?”

“I’m not obsessed with plums.”

“Man, you’re literally carrying about ten pounds worth as we speak.”

“There was a _discount_.”

“So?”

“Clint, I’ve been buying groceries for longer than you’ve been half a cell in your daddy’s ball sack. Hell, I’ve probably been buying groceries for longer than your _daddy_ was even half a cell in _his_ daddy’s ball sack. And if I’ve learnt one thing in all those years, it’s if there’s a discount on plums _you get as many motherfucking plums as you can carry_.”

“Yeah, but what are you even going to _do_ with that many fucking plums?”

“Preserves. Cake. Jam. Juice. Steve’s been telling me about these newfangled ice boxes you apparently have in the future where you can simulate a mild Russian winter in a box if you want to, thought maybe I’d give that a try.”

“Stop it with the sarcasm, I know you didn’t need Steve to tell you about freezers you bitch.”

“Yeah, freezers are the one thing about the future I’m a real expert on.”

“…If you tell Sam I laughed at that I am never letting you borrow eggs _or_ sugar again.”

“Don’t worry I’m too busy sabotaging my own attempts at getting laid to embarrass you in front of _your_ crush too.”

“I thought you and the Cap were a sure thing since before the dawn of time though?”

“Clint, I know you, with your limited experience of serious relationships, would be shocked to hear this, but someone has to tell you the truth: Going steady with someone does not give you unlimited sexy times. Also, there’s very few things that kill a boner as effectively as when you’re going at it with your guy and suddenly you get a flashback to that one time you killed a man while some twink in Texas was giving you a blowie.”

“Damn man that sucks.”

“Yeah. Apparently, I did a lot of shitty stuff while getting it back in the day. Doc says I should try not to attach strong emotions to flashbacks ‘n stuff or they’ll just get more intense but listen, Clint, I can’t even remember what Steve’s dick feels like in my _hand_ , it’s been so long since we even got that far without getting interrupted by fucking Hydra in my head. I swear if someone even _breathed_ on my dick that’d be it for me, I’m so fucking pent up. Some days I can’t even masturbate in peace, those fuckers somehow made me associate _my_ _own_ _fucking_ _penis_ with murder. Also, we’ve found out the metal arm they gave me somehow oxidizes when you put lube on it, and Tony says he can’t hurry up with the new one he’s making me, because there’s some kind of diplomatic crisis in Wakanda. Fucking _Wakanda_ , Clint. I have to wait for some fucks from the United Nations to get their monkey heads out of their fat asses to get a fucking arm that _doesn’t turn green when you put lube on it_ , I think I’m entitled to a few angry outbursts.”

“One, that seriously sucks ass for you – “

“Ha, I _wish_.”

“- and two, that is…a bit more info about your sex life than I wanted.”

“Sorry for the overshare, man. It just… feels good to talk about this with someone who isn’t Stevie or the Doc.”

“Dude, I get it. Felt the same way after the whole Loki shebang.”

“Oh yeah, heard about that.”

“Wait. Who even taught you about twinks.”

“…twinks?”

“Yeah before you traumatized me by talking about the metal arm and lube in the same sentence you said you remembered killing a man while getting blown by some twink. _Who taught you about twinks_.”

“Oh, that was Sam.”

“ _Sam_? _My_ Sam? _Falcon_ Sam? Straight-as-a-ruler-Sam? Sam Wilson? _Knows_ _about_ _twinks_? More importantly _told the Winter Soldier what a twink was?”_

“Oho, so he’s _your_ Sam now? Don’t tell Stevie, he’ll get jealous. And I thought you had a crush on him, why’d you think he was straight?”

“You’ve never had a thing for a straight – wait, wait, wait whadaya mean why did I think he was straight? He’s _not?!”_

“Naw, the only man I’ve ever really got the butterflies for is Stevie. Tasha says you kids in the future have all kinds of cool words for that and if I wanted I could call myself grayromantic or demiromantic or whatever. I think I’ll pass though, I’m fine with the good old queer. And Sam’s profile pic on Facebook is _literally_ the bi flag, I thought that was a pretty clear sign.”

_“I don’t have a Facebook!”_

“Sucks to be you then. Good thing you’ve got me to keep you up to date on all this social media stuff.”

“I can’t believe I have to find out about my straight crush’s bisexuality from a _hundred-year-old assassin_ who apparently has a _bigger social media presence than me_.”

“To be honest though you could’ve found that out without the Facebook thing. Like, have you _seen_ his office?”

“His _office_?”

“He has a bookshelf made from an upcycled ladder and he says he got the idea from Pinterest. Have you ever met a heterosexual man who even knows what the fuck a Pinterest _is?”_

“ _I_ don’t know what the fuck a Pinterest is!”

“Yeah but that’s not because you’re straight.”

“Bucky I’m having a small crisis here and you’re not really helping. _My crush is not hopeless_. I _don’t know how to handle that information_.”

“Take him out to dinner and let him fuck you in the backseat of his car afterwards. Duh.”

“I physically cannot do that.”

“What part of that exactly?”

“I can’t ask him out. I need to hide under my bed for a week. I need Steve to assign me a mission in Tanzania. _Oh my god_. Sam is _bi_.”

“Clint, you are a disaster man. Either you ask him out or I’ll tell Tasha and Carol.”

“You wouldn’t _dare_.”

“Oh I would. Carol would give you the “I, too, thought my love was unrequited” speech, and then she’d give you the “get off your ass before something happens and suddenly you’re in space for ten years and your crush thinks you’re dead and when you’re back you’ll find out your feelings were actually requited the whole time and you never did anything about it and now you regret the literal years spent pining after each other” speech. And then she’d leave because she needs to kiss her wife and Tasha would beat you the fuck up for being a coward.”

“If you tell Carol and Tasha I’m throwing you out of your apartment.”

“And you’d come crawling back the minute Ivan and his gang got out of prison. Also, I fix all your shit when you’re on missions. I’m basically the unofficial backup building handyman. Face it, you need me.”

“Fuck, I do.”

“Told ya. Oh motherfucking shit balls, Mrs. Hudson’s coming. Gotta jet!”

“Bucky you fucker you can’t just leave me – _how are you moving that fast you’re literally a hundred years old_. Fuck, _please_ , I can’t sit through another complaining session about the Chens and she always tries to set me up with one of her grandchildren – _Bucky open the fucking door please_ \-  Hi Mrs. Hudson! I was just…testing…the structural integrity of …the...apartment locks…No, of course you can file a complaint, I have the forms right here-“

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I write better when I actually try, if this is the first of my fics you're reading please don't judge me.


End file.
